and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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