can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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