Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
