I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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