No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
