You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
