Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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