I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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