So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
