Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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