dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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