Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
