My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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