My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
