I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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