Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
