Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
