Don't make out with my wife yet
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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