Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
