I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
