I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
