Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
