There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he thought i was a dude.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
