I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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