one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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