No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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