k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
