When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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