We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
