So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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