my being single is dangerous.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
