My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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