Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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