I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
