the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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