you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
