I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
