Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
