how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
