You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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