Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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