dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
