Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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