Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
