i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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