so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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