im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
