You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
