My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
