There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
