Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
