She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
