Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
